Lenten Series: Preparing for Death - The Trial Part 1 - John 18:12-27

Lent is a journey toward the Cross, toward Jesus' death. As we continue to prepare ourselves for remembering that most harrowing week in history through our Holy week observances, we will spend the next several Sundays looking indepthly into the final night of Jesus' life.

Our journey through this dark night, in the life of Jesus, begins right after he just spent time in the garden praying. His prayer time was interrupted (how often does that happen to the best of us?) by a large group of people headed by Judas and some soldiers who had come looking to arrest him (hopefully your prayers have never been interrupted in way). Peter, eager to prove that he is with Jesus to the last, no matter what, lops off the ear of the slave of the high priest (what did he do to deserve that? Not like he had much choice in being there). His name was Malchus. Jesus rebukes Peter for his violent outburst. After this he is brought to Annas, ex-chief priest, and father-in-law of the current Chief priest, which is where our passage picks up today.

This passage features the first part of Jesus' trial, but if we look at the trial the majority of the words spent on this first part of Jesus' trial are not spent on Jesus, but are actually spent on Peter. In fact, it almost seems as if there are two simultaneous trials going on here; one inside with Annas and one outside by the gate and by the fire. While Jesus is inside on trial, before the Jewish leaders, Peter's allegiance is on trial outside in the courtyard.

Not too long ago I listened to a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. You all remember Monica Lewinsky? It might surprise to know that Monica is only a year older than I am. I was not quite 21 and a senior at ENC when Monica's affair with the president hit the news, she was just 22. We were both really still very young.

I feel a lot of compassion for Monica, not only are we both about the same age. But we both made some pretty bad mistakes concerning the men we let into our lives that year. I know what it is to get involved with the wrong man and for things to not end up in any way I could have imagined. In her TED talk she asked her listeners, if any of them had made any bad choices in their late teens, early 20s. As I said, I know I did. Her guess (and mine too) is that most of us did. And some of us may even admit to making poor choices and bad decisions even as we have gotten older.

She then moves on and asks her audience to envision a world where, the stupidest thing you did not only made international headlines, but was the ONLY thing anyone remembered about you (or perhaps even knew about you). What if what anyone ever thought about you was built from and centered on your biggest failing, the worst decision you ever made, or the dumbest thing you ever said?

Monica will forever and almost exclusively be remembered for the scandal at which she was in the center in 1998. (I will try to remember Monica for the brave words she shared in her TED talk). Thankfully, very few people will remember the poor choice I made when I was 21, and nobody will characterized my life by that choice. Peter on the other hand, very much like Monica is primarily remembered for the worst mistake he ever made.

Everything else we learn about Peter in the Gospels encircles the things he says here over the course of this one evening of his life. When we think of Peter do we first think of his sermon on the day of Pentecost? All the many people he healed in the book of Acts? No, we remember the words he says here. We remember his words on this one evening of his whole life. He spends the majority of his life as the leader of the Church in Jerusalem if not de facto leader the entire Church. He is called the Father of the Christian Church, but before we remember any of that, we always remember three words, “I am not!” in reference to the questions about him being a disciple of Jesus.

Here in this passage Peter is struggling. The self-doubt might have begun when Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him. The swirling confusion may have set in when they all sat wide eyed when Judas left the dinner the night before, disgraced and heading off to betray Jesus. It may not have happened until he saw the Jewish leaders and the soldiers and tried to do the only thing he could think of doing. Poor Peter always doing and saying before he thinks things through – like he did at the transfiguration offering to build huts for Jesus and the prophets – there I go, reinterpreting all of Peter's life through the lens of what he does here in this passage. Anyway, he draws his sword and cuts off someone's ear, someone who really had nothing to do with what was going on, a mere slave. The seed of unbelief may not have even really been sown until Jesus rebuked him right there in front of the other disciples, Judas, the chief priest, his entourage (at least the slave and one of his relatives), some soldiers and some Pharisees.

We may know who Peter is, a hero of the early Church, but as he trails along with another disciple following this great group of people as they take Jesus off to Annas' house, Peter is not so sure he knows who is anymore? He thought he was a disciple; he left everything to follow Jesus, to learn from his teachings and see what it meant for him to be the Messiah. He thought he was a part of Jesus' trusted inner circle one of the ones there for the Transfiguration, one of the ones Jesus often took off to pray, to teach or to simply have some quiet time. He thought he would be the one who was with Jesus 'til the end. But if Jesus says he is not, then who is he? If he can't do the right thing when Jesus is in the most danger, who is he? Who is he when Jesus is shackled, and being interrogated? Who is he when his Lord hauled off like a common criminal? At this point in his life Peter, has no idea who Peter is.

When they all arrive at Annas' house, the other disciple is let into the courtyard because he is known, but Peter is on the outside. He must feel very much like Aaron Burr as portrayed in the popular musical, when everyone else is let into a room where decisions were made and he was left out and he laments that he wants to “be in the room where it happens.” Everyone is in there and he was standing on the outside, like Peter left at the gate. But then the other disciple tells them to let Peter in and they do. Peter is still not in the room where it happens. He is still not on the inside, he out in the courtyard, warming himself by the fire with the servants and the soldiers.

There in the flickering light of the fire, he has time to begin to think, to doubt, for all the events that have recently happened to begin to swirl around him once again, catching them in their vortex of doubt, and confusion. Who is he, when he can't even get in? Who is he when he needs someone else to vouch for him? Who is he?

He begins to think to himself. Who are you, Peter? What is your place in all this? The one on the outside looking in? The one who is publicly chastised by Jesus? Who are you when one among those whom you held close is a traitor, a betrayer, a Charlatan? Who are you, now Peter?

In the midst of this crises of person, this crises of faith, a question, comes breaking into Peter's confused and self-doubting brain. “You are not also one of this man's disciples, are you?” questions the girl at the gate. The question swirls around in the waters into which Peter has been thrown. The waters are dark and stormy and they begin overwhelm him and then the final question is heaped upon all the rest, “You are not a disciple of this man, are you?” And the waters threaten to engulf him, he is gasping for air, “Who are you Peter? You are not a disciple are you?”

“I am not.” He gulps for air, tasting the words in his mouth.

He warms himself by the fire. Am I a disciple? He looks toward the closed doors that hold his master inside, he is out here, Jesus is in there. Who is he? Is he worthy of being called a disciple? Is he a disciple? Can he still be a disciple?

Meanwhile, Jesus' identity is also being questioned; they ask him about his disciples, his teachings, who he is, what he wants. Jesus responds by telling them that he has hidden nothing; that he has spoken and taught openly. Everything Jesus did, he did publicly. It is all a matter of record, find someone who heard him, they could tell you what he said, what he did. Jesus has nothing to hide, he is who he is and who he is, is there for anyone with eyes to see and ears to hear.

Yet, Peter is outside even more confused, even more on edge. Who is he? And someone by the fire speaks up, perhaps just wanting to make conversation as they warm themselves together, “You are not also one of his disciples, are you?” Again, Peter, pokes his head up from the trenches of his faith and identity crises and say, “I am not.” But there is another slave of the high priest there, he is a relative of Malchus, he knows this man, how can a person forget the man who cut off his cousin's ear, “Did I not see you in the garden with him?” This time Peter, who can 't figure out who he is, and what he believes, figures out one thing, he is a liar and he denies being in the garden, “Nope, not me.” And then Peter finds out something about himself he could never have ever imagined finding out about himself. He is a betrayer. The cock crows and up from the swirl of confusion and doubt comes Jesus' words telling him that he will betray Jesus before the crock crows. Who is Peter? Who is Peter, if he is not a disciple? He is a traitor; he is one who betrays by denying even knowing even knowing Jesus. He is the one whose faith waived, who failed his Lord. Who is Peter?

I am gonna go out on a limb here, we are all a little like Peter at some times in our lives. There are times when we can't figure out who we are, we doubt our faith, our commitment to Jesus, we don't know which way is forward, which way is back. We have thought unfaithful thoughts. We have not always trusted God. There are times when we could have spoken up and proclaimed the truth of Christ, there are times when we know we did not do the thing we should have done to reflect the love of God, the truth of Christ in a particular situation. We have had faith crises. We doubted what we believed about God, about Jesus. We did not know what it all had to do with what was going on in our lives at the moment. We were unsure if Jesus could really make any kind of positive change in our world, in our lives.

And perhaps you are there right now. Your faith is on uncertain ground. Your belief is not what you think it should be, what you feel is could be. You perhaps feel that you do not trust the truth of Jesus as firmly as the person sitting next you in the pew right now.

You are Peter! I am Peter. We have all been Peter at some point in our lives. Our faith has wavered, our trust in the truth faltered. We did not speak up when we should have. We denied Christ. We did not act in the way we know we should have, we betrayed Jesus. We did not live up to being the Christian God was calling us to be, we were unfaithful. We looked around at the landscape of our spiritual lives and felt as if we were unsure which direction we were heading, which direction to go. We our compass was broken, the map we were using was wrong. We did not know who we were anymore?

We questioned ourselves, “Who am I in relation to Christ?” “Am I a believer?” “Am I really Christian?” “When I am unsure if I believe, am I still a believer?” “If I did not live up to the call of God on in my life, can I still be counted among the faithful?” Who am I? Am a believer? Am I a Christian? Am I a disciple? Can I even call myself a disciple? Would I be lying if I said I am a disciple, would not be a lie if we said, “I am not.”

Our first inclination, might be to compare ourselves to those around us. Peter might have been tempted to compare his faith, his trust in Christ to that of the disciple who was with him. The other disciple knew the Chief Priest, had an “in.” Nobody left him outside the gate. He got to be in the room where it happened, while Peter was still outside by the fire. He might have compared himself to this disciple who not only was willing to follow Christ this far, but went to the gate keeper and told her that Peter was with him and Jesus. He willingly offered up the very information that Peter was unable to give, that he was there with Jesus. Peter failed in every aspect where the other disciple succeeded.

He might have even been tempted to compare himself to Jesus who did not waiver in his interrogation. Jesus never lashed out in violence. Jesus kept calm under pressure. Jesus never obfuscated the truth nor did he ever lie. Jesus never denied who he was. Peter fell short and Jesus rose to the occasion.

When we compare ourselves to the strength we see in others; when we see good Christians all around us doing and saying all the right things, and we are in a place in where we are confused in our faith, doubt who Jesus is, and have found that we are capable of turning our back on our Lord, it is so easy to come to believe that who we are is found in our doubt, in our failure. We want to define our Christianity by this horrible place, we currently find ourselves in.

The assurance we have is the same one Monica has. None of us are 22 forever. We move on, our stories do not end with shame and confusion. The assurance we have is the same as Peter, God is not done with us yet, God gives us another chance, lets us move on, to grow in faith to become the disciple we simply could not be at those moments, in those worst moments of our faith. When we fail Jesus, he does not leave us there in our failure, or even because of our failure. Our story is not done yet. Our faith may be lacking, we may not trust God as we should. We may not act as we should. We might not say the right thing. But we are not defined by our failures; we are not defined by our lack of faith. God does not see us at our worst and call that the end. God continues to walk with, shows us who we can be, even when we fail, even when we are at our worst. Even when we are saying I am not his disciple, Jesus sees that we can still be Peter on Pentecost, we can still be Peter healing people in Jerusalem, we could still be Peter, Father of the Church.

God can use us, God can work in us, God can work with us. When we are the most confused, when we are the most unsure of our faith, that is not the time to give up. That is not the time to walk away, that is the time, to keep warming ourselves by the fire, that is the time to keep trailing along. That is the time to keep trying to figure it out. Even if we denied our faith, denied our own relationship with God, or in some other way not lived up to what it means for us to be the person we know God wants us to be. God will not give up on us. God sees who we can be, who we will one day be. When we find ourselves like Peter, we can cry out like the man with the sick daughter, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”

Don't sell God short. God is not done with you, yet. Don't be done with yourself, yet either. This is not the end of your story.